Stonehenge Winter Solstice 2020
From The Desk Of The Retired Teacher
Today I had a funny a-ha thought as I walked in my neighborhood. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window, gray hair and all. I looked at my reflection and thought who is that stranger staring at me? I mulled over the me I was seeing and then thought of the me with the dark hair, since forever. It startled me that I found this so unsettling. I’ve been gray for a very short time, really. Only the last few months when covid meant no dying my hair, so I let it go gray. It’s also longer than usual and that I will change once I can get it cut. But I will leave it gray. It’s time for that change. I looked at a picture of me before the new gray-haired me. That’s the me I really identify with, some cognitive dissonance here. The dark haired me is who I’ve been for all of my life. And now the gray haired me is here. But I don’t feel like that person who stares back at me with her gray hair. I still think of myself as the dark haired me, a woman with a very busy, full life. I wonder how many people see themselves differently now, for whatever reason as a casualty of covid. Adjusting to changes is what we figure out, to move on, to make life palatable, to succeed.
It’s winter break. I can hear all my friends, colleagues near and far breathe a sigh of relief! They did it! They made it so far, and feel entitled for the pat on their back! And why shouldn’t they! They’re ready to chill, think of themselves. I can feel the cringe, across the page, as you read this. Why not! From morning to evening and often creeping into their dreams (nightmares) school was on their minds. How to create great lessons? How to innovate? How to make sure all are included? How to be sensitive to the needs of their diverse (you get to put whichever diversity comes to mind) students. Always worrying about hybrid classes, remote learning and in house classes are fairing? Now it’s time for a breather. Now it’s time for them to focus on themselves, family and friends! Time to relax.
And to all those remarkable students across the country, figuring this out, has had impacts both awesome and worrisome. Tough to sit in front of the screen. Tough to be seen when you don’t want to be seen. Tough to learn with a mask on (so many thoughts and metaphors run through my mind as I write this!). I read about students and how they are taking charge of their learning. I read about teachers and school personnel open up space for that learning. I read about the uncertainty, about the apprehension, about the fear. But I’m also so encouraged when I have the opportunity to see the Virtual Winter Sing at our school. There was a palpable excitement and joy as they sang their hearts out! And from my vantage point on the other side of the Zoom camera, tears. Tears of joy and pride. And feelings of empowerment in how we can work together to change the course, gray hair and all.
So my gray hair doesn’t define me. It’s not about vanity, but the picture of being a little old lady (makes me chuckle) where the dissonance lies. So in my core, I’m still me. Then person who I’ve always wanted to be; the woman who I am.
In a world lost we all are trying to find our way. I write this as I reflect on life’s circumstances. I left behind New Years resolutions when I discovered the idea of #oneword as a goal for the New Year. Now I wonder what mine will be for 2021. I’ll really have to think about it. But for now it’s Winter Break.
Brisk winter day. Sun peaking through the trees. 
Wonderful holiday lights in my neighborhood
The road traveled 